I have been doing some soul searching and I have finally decided it is time for life to be all about me! I am going to make some changes in my life, focus on myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. That isn't to mean I will be selfish and not think of those I love, I will still do for them, but not to the detriment of myself.
I started with a haircut, off with the old and on with the new. I haven't had my hair this short in 7 years and I absolutely love it! It's fun and frisky. That is the first change. Tomorrow I am going to join Gold's Gym. It is far past time to work on my body, my weight, my health. I have 2 gym partners lined up, my wonderful nieces Tam and Kendra. Between the two of them we will be going a minimum of 5 days a week. It has been a long time since I've been to a gym, I have lived quite the sedentary lifestyle of late, so I am going to start slow. I need to start with low impact aerobic activity so I will be doing water aerobics 5 days a week. I will slowly add Zumba classes as I love to dance. As my stamina increases I will add the treadmill and recumbent bike. Of course, I will be doing some strength training with weights. I love weights, oh my I can go overboard so fast with the weight lifting. I will have to monitor that so I do not bulk up, but rather tone my body. This will be for me, my hour or so a day to take care of myself. I am excited to start this new journey and part of my life, become a healthier Monica.
I also have so many plans for my house. I've already gone and picked out paint colors, so when it warms up a bit, the painting shall commence. I shall start upstairs in the Master bedroom, the bathroom, and the guest room. Then I will move down to the living room and dining room, maybe the kitchen. Then I will move on to the family room, bathroom and my office. The kitchen has a lot of work to be done so that may come last. I've been wanting to spruce up the house since we moved in here, now the time I has come to stop procrastinating and get it done.
I also have plans to work on the backyard this year, come hell or high water, that ugly backyard will look better!
Yes, it is a lot to get done, I am putting so much on my plate, however it is all for the good. I will feel better, healthier, happier all around. It will be a continuing journey, a new lifestyle change, and I am ready for the challenge.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
I wish.....
I wish....
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
Monday, February 14, 2011
Affection: I have the emotional need for affection
Affection:
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
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