I've been a slug......

I went and saw my endocrinologist today, Dr.  Vance.  He is the nicest man, never gives me shit about not losing weight, always gives me a positive comment for maintaining.  Today I told him I've been a slug, seriously.  I have been a slug.  I know what I should be doing for myself, what I should be doing for my health and life, but I have been a slug.  Working, then sitting in my recliner, not accomplishing a damn thing, except for playing a shit load of Solitaire.  We talked about portion control, he told me I should eat on a small plate, even if I have to go back for seconds, he said it would "trick" the brain into sending out the signal I am full.  He talked to me about going back on the Byetta.  I told him I would do so.  He also told me to keep a food journal, for 7-10 days, to see what I am eating and how much.  He said this would help me to realize my habits and learn to control them. 

I told him I know what I should be doing, but up to this point I guess I just have not cared enough about myself to take care of Me.  I am so tired of being fat, having no energy, not feeling good, sitting around doing nothing.  Kendra and Tam joined Gold's Gym.  Tam has a hard time getting Kendra to go with her.  I talked to Tam and she is in desperate need of a gym partner and asked me to please join and go with her.  So, I took the first step....I called Gold's Gym today.  I made contact via email a few weeks ago, received a return call from Jody.  I never called her back.  Today, after seeing my doc and having lunch with my BFF and talking to her, I decided to call Jody back on my way home.  Unfortunately Jody was not in today, however I left my name and number and was told she would call me when she is in tomorrow.  I am going to do something for me and join the gym.  I am going to start going with Tam.  I want to do water aerobics which will be low impact on my fat body and stressed joints.  As I lose some weight and tone up, I want to start doing Zumba.  I will do weights as well.  When I was going to the gym before I loved...LOVED....lifting weights. 

I am excited by the prospect of taking care of me for a change. I know it will not be easy, taking care of me has taken a backseat for so many years it is going to be a huge shock to my system, however it is time, past time.  I am 41 years old, I think I have worked hard enough through the years taking care of others, it will be okay to focus on myself.  I deserve doing something strictly for me. 

I do have balls......

Ok, So I finally got up the gumption to talk to Sara about her cell phone bill.  I've been needing to do this for a long time.  I have enabled her for far too long in having a cell phone and not paying her portion of the bill.  I told her tonight I needed her to start paying her share, or they will need to give up their smart phones and go back to a regular phone with texting and talking only for $10/month each.  She has decided to get her own cell plan, since they decided they want I phones now.  More power to them, it will take a weight off my shoulders. 

I did feel a bit guilty, but talked to Ma and she told me to not feel guilty, I can't be expected to carry her forever. 

Ohhhh my aching HORMONES

Yesterday was a doozy of a day, let me tell ya.  Was supposed to be my day off so my plan was to sleep in for a while, then get up and take my folks to the courthouse to file for their homeowner's excemption on their taxes.  Well you know what they say about the best laid plans......First call from work came in at 6:45, Day Surgery, needing an HP.  So up I get, take care of that, decide I would go back to bed for a while.  Sure....that's gonna happen.  Nope here comes another call from The Surgery Center needing an HP I sent the night before.  At this point I was awake so decided to stay ip, which turns out was a good plan since I received 2 more phone calls before 8:30.  In all, I received 5 phone calls on my day off.  The good thing is, since it was my supposed day off, I get to charge a callback for each call, which nets me an hours pay for each call.  Not bad money for taking care of 5 phone calls.  The last call I received I had to get on a type a preop HP STAT.  Though I get paid, I was quite irritated over the calls, I simply wanted a day off, since I work the weekend.  So, I started my day irritated....not a good way to start.

In between phone calls I called the courthouse to find out exactly what office we needed to go to, since Pa only knew the courthouse.  Talked to the Assessors office, their title company filed the paperwork for them last year, but it was past the deadline for 2010, however took effect Jaunary 1, so we didn't need to do anything further.  Called my little mommy to let her know and she was pleased, she didn't feel like going anywhere.  We talked for a while like we always do.  Ended the call with the I love You's.  I never end a call with my ma without saying I love you.  My mood had lifted some, little mommy always makes me happy.

Chuck's nights and days are screwed up so he didn't go to bed until 7 yesterday morning, which means he was still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon.  We were given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas, so rather than cook, I decided I wanted to go to Red Lobster.  Well that plan was shot to hell by Chuck.  I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said he didn't care (like always).  I suggested we go to Red Lobster since he had mentioned a couple of nights before, after seeing a Red Lobster commcercial, how we should use our gift cards and go there.  Ok...so that sent me over the edge and once again I was pissed.  Fucker never wants to do shit.  So I paced, I stewed, I kept asking him what he wanted to eat. He said he didn't care. Well okay then, since you don't care do you want sloppy joes or hamburger helper.  He picked hamburger helper.  So fine, I was still pissed stomped around and made dinner, texted Chazzie about how pissy I was.  Grrrrr! 

After dinner I sat in my chair, got on the computer, listened to music and played games, ignoring the lump in the chair next to me.  As the evening progressed my irritation and anger turned to sadness and tears.  I showered, crawled in bed, and let the tears come....all the while texting Chazzie.  Once I had cried myself out, I thanked her for once again listening to me and helping me through this.

During the course of our texting conversation I discovered this:
1.  I may feel like I am going crazy since my surgery and having no hormones, but I am not crazy.
2.  I have got to stop allowing people (Chuck) to make me feel worthless. Something I have known for years but being as hormonally and emotionally unstable as I have been, I have a hard time remembering this.
3.  I cannot fix his issues, period, end of story. 
4.  Chazzie tells me I am beautiful.  I don't feel beautiful, I feel ugly and unwanted, I know better, but some days I don't believe it. 
5.  I need to return to my doctor and have him try something other than the Estradiol, before I go completely insane. 
6.  I need to see a counselor to discuss my issues and get some advice. 
7.  Though I listened to my mom when she was going through this hormonal mess after her hysterectomy, though she and I were very close, I never fully understood exactly how horrible this hormonal mess is, and though I was sympathetic, I should have been way more than I was. 
8.  Men just do not, and will not EVER understand what a woman goes through. 

I woke up this morning feeling "okay", not fantastic, but I am not feeling the despair I felt yesterday.

Fantastic weekend

Had a great weekend, well I should say I had a great Saturday!  Made the drive to Idaho Falls to have some friend time, which I needed something fierce.  Between recovering from my surgery, the busy holiday season, and my general lack of interest in anything, I have not had any friend time for months.  I have felt in a way dehydrated, not getting enough time with my friends.  So, I made plans to travel to Idaho Falls to meet up with Chaz and Rodney for lunch at Carino's.  Rodney brought their friend Kathy along with him.  What a nice lady Kathy is.  She recenty lost her husband, she is obviously devastated as he was her best friend, but she is trying to see the good in things and knows he is still around keeping an eye on her.  I really enjoyed meeting her, a sweet and loving woman.  I've made a new friend. 

After Carino's Kathy headed home to do errands and take care of business.  Chaz, Rod and I decided to bum around for a while.  We went to PetSmart to see if they had any dogs.  Rodney is throwing the idea around of getting a pet as he lives alone.  PetSmart only had cats up for adoption, no dogs.  From there we wandered over to Petco, then decided to go see a movie so off to the theater we went.  The movie we wanted to see wasn't starting for another hour and 45 minutes, so we bought our tickets and headed out to kill time.  We ended up at Cocoa Bean, where they make the most amazing cupcakes.  Im sure I ate my week's allotment of calories in the one cupcake I had, but it was so good.  Rodney had Better That Whatever cupcake, Chaz had German Chocolate, and I had Red Devil.  Very tasty.  So we left there, went and got something to drink, then headed to Best Buy so Chazzie could check out the TVs.  Killed some time there, then we went to CD World.  I was looking to get the new Shinedown CD,  but no one had it.  Then we decided to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond.  I ended up getting a new shower massager there.  We then went and saw Little Fockers.....very cute movie, laughed a lot, just the sort of pick me up I needed. 

We then congrated at Chazzie's house to play cards.  Melanie came over and we played Skipbo, told stores, laughed good and hard, and had a great time.  My spirits were definitely lifted!  I need to stop letting so much time pass before spending time with my friends again.  It was a good "me" day, something I don't do often. 

I ate shit on the ice Saturday, not real bad, slipped, landed on my right knee (yep, my bad one) and jarred my back.  Sunday not such a good day, woke up stiff and sore.  I had taken a muscle relaxer before going to bed at 3 a.m., and incidentally slept until 12:30 ~ LAZY!  I got up, asked Chuck to install the new massager for me, I got the response I expected which was no because he was watching an NFC championship football game.  Well God forbid you miss 5-10 minutes of a 4 hour game!  So I installed it myself, which I knew I was perfectly capable of doing, but tried to get him off his butt for a few minutes.   So, instant PISSY mood for me.  I get so irritated when he does shit like that.  Anyway, I installed my shower massager, took a shower and tried out all the settings.  Ooooo is it nice.  The strong pulsating stream felt so good on my lower back where it was aching.  After my shower I did dishes from the day before which Chuck used and didn't watch.  Got further irritated and decided screw this, I am so not cooking for him.  I got Rusty and he and I went for a ride.  Now my boy loves to ride in the car and bark at dogs and horses as we pass them.  Being out with my boy, seeing him be so funny with the dogs and horses, lifted my spirits some.  How can you not be happy with someone who loves you unconditionally! 

While on our drive, I decided I was hungry and wanted a taco salad from Mama Inez'.  However they are closed on Sunday, much to my surprise, so I headed on back home and made them there.  So, I did cook for Chuck, in a way, but only because I was cooking for me.  He's not a stupid man, he knew I was irritated with him so he kept his mouth shut and gave me my space.  Upon returning back home I took a muscle relaxer for my back, so after we ate and I did dishes, I relaxed in my recliner, plugged in my ear phones and listened to some good music and played solitaire on my computer. 

Didn't do much the rest of the day/evening.  I got a hit hungry around 8:30 so made myself some toast, had some applesauce, took my medications and went to bed. 

I am still retaining my good feelings from Saturday and have moved past my irritation with Chuck, I will not let that negativity ruin my week and strip away the happiness from Saturday.

Depression...and then some

It is estimated 19 million American adults suffer from depression.

Depression....yes I suffer from it, I have for years and years. It runs in my family, my mother and father suffer from it, as well as my younger sister. We are all on antidepressants, various kinds. My mother's seems to be the worst, she has tried to take her life more than once as a result. Thank God she seems to be on the right combination of medications and has not felt sucidal for years. That's not to say she doesn't struggle, but God is on her side and she doesn't feel suicidal.

There are many symptoms associated with depression. Mine tends to manifest itself in withdrawing from people, hibernating in a way. sadness, loss of interest in activities I usually enjoy, oversleeping or not sleeping at all, fatigue and lack of energy, anxiety and irritability. It feels as though I have no joy in my life.

Many people do not understand depression, they have a tendency to say "snap out of it", or "suck it up". What they don't understand is you just cannot do that. I only wish it was as easy as "sucking it up" but it isn't. I know I have a good life, a wonderful and supportive family, amazing friends, and that should be enough, but when I am sliding into my depression, I can't find joy, happiness, nothing makes me happy.

I've been struggling the last several months with my depression. I think it is in part due to the hysterectomy I had in November and my hormones being out of whack, stress due to the lack of a job for my partner, bills coming in, the price of everything going up...on and on and on. I could keep naming things I know are contributing to my depression.

This time of year does not help either. Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. The sunny days, like today, I feel better, but the gloomy days...good luck even getting me out of bed. If I didn't have to work I could lay in bed all day.

I've been feeling so blah of late, unhappy with myself, my weight, my lack of interest in anything. I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this rut, but knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it are two entirely different things. I keep saying I am going to join the gym and start doing water aerobics.
I would love to take a Zumba class. I need, yes need, to get out and socialize, even though I just want to hibernate and be alone in my misery.

Ack.....ramblings...simply rambling on here, not even sure I am making any point whatsoever. Crazy...oh yes......kinda crazy.....but the depressed mind doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

A New Year, a New Beginning?

Wow a new year, 2011, a time when people make resolutions, most of them not kept, a time to start over, try new things, etc and so on. To me, it's another year, will it be any different from prior years? Hard to say. I know I have things I would like to work on, Lord knows I have so many things I need to work on. The question is, will I get anything done besides live the dream and work my ass off? I am 41 years old, overweight, overworked, tired all the time, and very seldom do anyt hing fun. I would love to join the gym and start by going to water aerobics. My two nieces are members of Gold's Gym and said they would be my workout buddies. I also have a dear friend Janae who goes to the gym religiously and said she would be my workout buddy. So here I have three people who would be my workout buddies, pushing some, someone I am accountable to so I don't do the old "I don't feel like going to the gym today" routine. So why am I sititng here, three days into the New Year and I haven't gone to the gym to check on a membership? Laziness, and finances. Finances being the BIG THING. I am working on a very tight budget, very tight, but I think I could swing the monthly membership fee, would just have to cut something out of the budget I really don't need. My health is very important so getting a gym membership and using it should be of the utmost importance....right?!

My doctor would be so happy if I would get my butt to the gym and lose weight. I know if I started exercising and losing some weight I could go off my high blood pressure medications, as it really isn't that high. What else could I go off of, potentially the metformin for my insulin resistence. I would have increased energy, feel better about myself, and would physically feel so much better. I could finally wear those clothes that are hanging in my closet I haven't been able to wear. Come Summer I would feel more like going outside and working in the yard, taking Rusty for a walk (who needs to lose a few pounds himself).

Ok, I've talked myself into it, I will check on a gym membership....tomorrow....it's just too damn cold to go outside today.