Well, here is it Tuesday night, and boy has it been a week already. So, going to bitch about Chuck here, and vent my feelings, hopefully get past what irritates me.
Sunday started out good, I slept in, got up at 10:00, made a nice brunch for Chuck and I, got a load of laundry done, cleaned up the brunch mess, did the dishes. Sat down to fold a load of laundry and asked Chuck if he would take us (meaning Rusty and I) for a ride. He said you going for a ride boy? I said no, I want you to take use for a ride and spend some time together. He starts YELLING at me, actually yelling. "I didn't talk when they were talking about the fucking Broncos, but you have to sit there and talk when they are talking about my team (the Dolphins). Un-fucking-believable! I just sat there stunned....WTF! So I guess they were updating sports scores and I happened to talk to him when they were talking about his team. Christ, it's not like we don't have an effing DVR where he could rewind the show and see what he missed, and I sure as shit didn't do it on purpose, but you would think I had. I did not understand his reaction. To actually YELL at me for talking. Then he yelled "I'm not taking you anywhere".
Ok so I was instantly pissed, but more hurt than pissed. I held back the tears that wanted to fall, calmly finished folding the laundry, then I went upstairs, peed, texted my BFF, she said come see me, so I changed clothes, packed a bag for Rusty (there was no way I was leaving him behind), I grabbed my purse and left the house. I didn't say a word to Chuck, just left. This was about noon by now. So I head to Idaho Falls which is 50 miles North of Pocatello to spend time with Chaz.
Got to Idaho Falls, went to Chazzy's house, we sat outside and talked, I cried, she vented about Chuck (she's not a fan due to the way he treats me). I then found out my bro and his family were in Idaho Falls school clothes shopping, so we went and met up with them, got to spend time with my fave kids. After shopping was done Chaz and I decided to go eat. We called up our friend Rodney and he met us at Texas Roadhouse. We had a great meal, talked, laughed, really enjoyed our time. Then we left and went to Rod's house, to help him break in since he had locked himself out. Luckily he had a small air conditioner in the kitchen window, I lifted that out and Chaz helped boost Rod through the window. We were all laughing so freaking hard. This isn't the first time he's done this. After that we went back to Chazzy's house, I fed Rusty, Rod came over and we played SkipBo.
I was going to stay at her house and not even bother coming home, but then I remembered I had forgotten to grab my meds and so decided to head home about 9:30 or so. Here I had been gone all day, he had no clue where I was, as far as he knew I was going for a ride, no text message, no call, nada to find out where I was and if I was coming home. I got home at 10;30, showered, went to bed. He came to bed so I got up and came downstairs to sleep in the sunroom. I've slept there every night since. I didn't get up the next morning and fix him a lunch to take to work, like I always do. I didn't do his laundry, he had to do that himself. I stayed in bed until he left for work, then I got up.
We haven't talked since, a few polite words here and there. He is being "nice" and pretending nothing ever happened (like usual), but I'm still hurt and not willing to sweep this under the rug. He had such an off the wall reaction to my asking to spend some time with him, I don't get it, I am still confused over that. He has never yelled at me before, not like that anyways. I am still sleeping in the sunroom. I am cooking dinner, because his nephew Rich moved in with us on Sunday afternoon (nice welcome for him eh, us fighting).
I see my therapist tomorrow, I journaled what happened, my feelings and reaction to it and will discuss it with her tomorrow. I don't know what to do, I am confused. I am not happy with the current situation and I don't know that I want to spend the rest of my life living with someone who treats me like this, withholds all affection, won't marry me, treats me like I'm a glorified maid (the glorified part being I get to sleep in the same bed with him).
I met a guy at the gym, he and I have become friends, but he has let me know he finds me very attractive and would like to date me if I decide to leave Chuck. He is a social worker, I have told him some of what goes on. He told me I need to ask Chuck about counseling and if he won't do that, then I need to decide if I am leaving or staying. He said either way, he will be my friend, but if I leave Chuck he will be all over me.
What a damn mess. I know I deserve more, I deserve to have someone who loves me as much as I love them, and is willing to show it. Hell, I can't get Chuck to give me a kiss, hold my hand, touch me in any way shape or form, except to push me away if I try to touch him. I am so very tired of the pain. Most days I just want to run away and never look back.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
It's Shrink Time.....
Today I started seeing a therapist. It's been a long time coming, I've been putting it off forever, but I finally had to admit last week I just can't handle shit any longer and need some help. I am overwhelmed and unhappy.
There is so much going on in my life, it's crazy. In May my mom tried to kill herself. She took an overdose of Xanax, she damn near died on me. She spent 6 days in the hospital, 2-1/2 in the ICU, and the next 4 days on the Behavioral Health Unit. She is now seeing a therapist weekly, on a new antidepressant, and is doing much better. Two days before that my dad said he tried to kill himself by shooting himself in the head. So he is now in the VA system, and seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as bipolar depressive. He is on a new medication and seeing a therapist weekly.
My life revolves around shuffling my parents to and from doctor appointments, counseling appointments, taking care of them as much as I can. My sister is living here and she just adds to the stress. She moved into a mobile home park in June. The landlord gave her a list of things that needed to be done to the property. She and her husband never got them done, so two weeks ago she received a letter from a lawyer with a list of things that needed to be done by the end of August or they were going to be evicted. So I ended up spending last weekend at her place, with my parents, doing all the things on the list so they don't end up getting evicted. I spent hours, upon hours, putting the skirting on her house. It really pissed me off that here my 65 year old parents were over there doing shit she and her husband should have been working on all along. Chuck got pissed at me for going over and helping; not for helping my parents, but for helping Sara. I told him I had to look it as helping my parents, because I couldn't have them over there doing all that work by themselves. He said he understood I was helping my parents, but it pisses him off that she treats me like shit, says horrible things to me, and then turns around and expects me to help her, and I go and help her. So it was a lovely 3 or 4 days with him being pissed off at me.
Everything just snowballed to the point I can't handle it all on my own, so I am seeking therapy. I went for my first appointment today. I really like the lady, I think she is going to be able to help me. She gave me some homework to do, I have to start journaling, go back into my childhood and start writing down memories, journaling everything I remember. I also have to read some codependency books. I also have to ask Chuck for help around the house. I am starting a part-time job (in addition to my full-time) job on September 1 and I simply will not have the time to take care of everything like I always have. So, I need to have a talk with him and ask for help. Working 60+ hours a week is going to be hell, running my parents all over the place, no time for me. The therapist is going to help me see that I need to take care of me first. It's not going to be easy, I have been a caretaker of everyone else for so long, I have no idea how to take care of me and put myself first.
It is going to be an interesting journey.
There is so much going on in my life, it's crazy. In May my mom tried to kill herself. She took an overdose of Xanax, she damn near died on me. She spent 6 days in the hospital, 2-1/2 in the ICU, and the next 4 days on the Behavioral Health Unit. She is now seeing a therapist weekly, on a new antidepressant, and is doing much better. Two days before that my dad said he tried to kill himself by shooting himself in the head. So he is now in the VA system, and seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as bipolar depressive. He is on a new medication and seeing a therapist weekly.
My life revolves around shuffling my parents to and from doctor appointments, counseling appointments, taking care of them as much as I can. My sister is living here and she just adds to the stress. She moved into a mobile home park in June. The landlord gave her a list of things that needed to be done to the property. She and her husband never got them done, so two weeks ago she received a letter from a lawyer with a list of things that needed to be done by the end of August or they were going to be evicted. So I ended up spending last weekend at her place, with my parents, doing all the things on the list so they don't end up getting evicted. I spent hours, upon hours, putting the skirting on her house. It really pissed me off that here my 65 year old parents were over there doing shit she and her husband should have been working on all along. Chuck got pissed at me for going over and helping; not for helping my parents, but for helping Sara. I told him I had to look it as helping my parents, because I couldn't have them over there doing all that work by themselves. He said he understood I was helping my parents, but it pisses him off that she treats me like shit, says horrible things to me, and then turns around and expects me to help her, and I go and help her. So it was a lovely 3 or 4 days with him being pissed off at me.
Everything just snowballed to the point I can't handle it all on my own, so I am seeking therapy. I went for my first appointment today. I really like the lady, I think she is going to be able to help me. She gave me some homework to do, I have to start journaling, go back into my childhood and start writing down memories, journaling everything I remember. I also have to read some codependency books. I also have to ask Chuck for help around the house. I am starting a part-time job (in addition to my full-time) job on September 1 and I simply will not have the time to take care of everything like I always have. So, I need to have a talk with him and ask for help. Working 60+ hours a week is going to be hell, running my parents all over the place, no time for me. The therapist is going to help me see that I need to take care of me first. It's not going to be easy, I have been a caretaker of everyone else for so long, I have no idea how to take care of me and put myself first.
It is going to be an interesting journey.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Fantastic Monday....so far.
What a way to start the day and week. I got my butt out of bed (well really my recliner since that is where I fell asleep in the wee hours of the morning) at 5 a.m. and hauled myself to the gym for the 5:45 a.m. aqua aerobics class. I was rather surprised by how many people were there. We even had 2 men in the class. Four of the women there are school teachers and do this class every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. The instructor, Emily (who seriously is fun and rocks) was happy to see me show up. I have been going to her Tuesday/Thursday 5:30 p.m. class. She had a 9 a.m. class on Saturday and I enjoyed starting my day with aqua aerobics so much I decided to start going to the Mon/Wed/Fri morning class. I feel great! I will still do the Tues/Thurs evening class, as well as going back at 5 p.m. on Mon/Wed/Fri to do my hour of cardio followed by weights. I am truly enjoying going to the gym, working out, eating healthier, and feeling better.
I turn 42 this week and it's so nice to be able to say I am in better shape and feel better than I did at even 40.
Go Moe!
I turn 42 this week and it's so nice to be able to say I am in better shape and feel better than I did at even 40.
Go Moe!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Holy Cow. I think I'm becoming addicted to exercise
Been a while since I blogged, so it's about time I got on here and shared what's been happening.
Three weeks ago I finally got off my rather big behind and joined Gold's Gym. What a good decision that was on my part. I've been overweight for far too long. I refuse to label myself with the term obese, though the doc would. I am finally taking control of my life and doing something for ME, that is good for ME, and will benefit ME. Yes, it's all about ME. I have found I LOVE going to the gym. I look forward to it every day, look forward to seeing how many miles I get pedal my ass on the bike, how many reps I can do with the weights, how far I can walk on the treadmill. I have a great gym partner, Tam. Kendra is really kind of hit and miss with working out, but Tam goes most every day with me. I like to get to the gym 30-45 minutes before them so I can get a good 30 minutes of fat burning program biking in before they get there. Then I do the round of weights, then jump back on the bike or treadmill for the cardio program.
I haven't weighed to see if I've lost, I actually won't weight until I see my doc again in June. I feel a difference already in the fit of my clothes, and that makes me happy. Also my mom told me my face is looking thinner, so that's a big plus. I woud like to get back to having only one chin, not multiple...LOL. I am feeling stronger and better day by day, my endurance is increasing, and I am sleeping so much better at night. I am eating healthier as well, I even wanted some fish last night, though I am not a big fish eater. I got some protein powder to make shakes, it is carmel latte flavored, tastes like a nice chilled coffee, which I like. I drink a shake in the morning for breakfast, and drink another shake after I workout. I don't want to bulk up, but the protein is good for lean muscle mass.
My ultimate goal is to get off some of the medication I take. I hope to be able to stop taking blood pressure meds, and the metformin for the insulin resistance. I've already stopped taking the sleeping pill since I am sleeping so good at night. I would eventually like to wean myself off the estrogen pill I've been taking since my hysterectomy. I'm not out to impress anyone with my lifestyle change and the good things that will come with it, such as the weight loss, I am doing this all for ME.
I have a great support system, outside the home. Though Chuck has only made one negative comment about the money spent for the gym membership, he hasn't said anything else, a little positive support from him would be nice. However I won't hold my breath for that, he just isn't built that way, to pay compliments, he's retarded that way.
I know I can do this, and will do this. I want to be able to surprise my doctor in June with weight loss. My initial goal was 20 lb, but I really think I can do 30. I will be happy, however, with whatever I lose. In the end, what matters is I am making positive healthy changes in my life.....and that's the best thing of all.
Three weeks ago I finally got off my rather big behind and joined Gold's Gym. What a good decision that was on my part. I've been overweight for far too long. I refuse to label myself with the term obese, though the doc would. I am finally taking control of my life and doing something for ME, that is good for ME, and will benefit ME. Yes, it's all about ME. I have found I LOVE going to the gym. I look forward to it every day, look forward to seeing how many miles I get pedal my ass on the bike, how many reps I can do with the weights, how far I can walk on the treadmill. I have a great gym partner, Tam. Kendra is really kind of hit and miss with working out, but Tam goes most every day with me. I like to get to the gym 30-45 minutes before them so I can get a good 30 minutes of fat burning program biking in before they get there. Then I do the round of weights, then jump back on the bike or treadmill for the cardio program.
I haven't weighed to see if I've lost, I actually won't weight until I see my doc again in June. I feel a difference already in the fit of my clothes, and that makes me happy. Also my mom told me my face is looking thinner, so that's a big plus. I woud like to get back to having only one chin, not multiple...LOL. I am feeling stronger and better day by day, my endurance is increasing, and I am sleeping so much better at night. I am eating healthier as well, I even wanted some fish last night, though I am not a big fish eater. I got some protein powder to make shakes, it is carmel latte flavored, tastes like a nice chilled coffee, which I like. I drink a shake in the morning for breakfast, and drink another shake after I workout. I don't want to bulk up, but the protein is good for lean muscle mass.
My ultimate goal is to get off some of the medication I take. I hope to be able to stop taking blood pressure meds, and the metformin for the insulin resistance. I've already stopped taking the sleeping pill since I am sleeping so good at night. I would eventually like to wean myself off the estrogen pill I've been taking since my hysterectomy. I'm not out to impress anyone with my lifestyle change and the good things that will come with it, such as the weight loss, I am doing this all for ME.
I have a great support system, outside the home. Though Chuck has only made one negative comment about the money spent for the gym membership, he hasn't said anything else, a little positive support from him would be nice. However I won't hold my breath for that, he just isn't built that way, to pay compliments, he's retarded that way.
I know I can do this, and will do this. I want to be able to surprise my doctor in June with weight loss. My initial goal was 20 lb, but I really think I can do 30. I will be happy, however, with whatever I lose. In the end, what matters is I am making positive healthy changes in my life.....and that's the best thing of all.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It's All About Me!
I have been doing some soul searching and I have finally decided it is time for life to be all about me! I am going to make some changes in my life, focus on myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. That isn't to mean I will be selfish and not think of those I love, I will still do for them, but not to the detriment of myself.
I started with a haircut, off with the old and on with the new. I haven't had my hair this short in 7 years and I absolutely love it! It's fun and frisky. That is the first change. Tomorrow I am going to join Gold's Gym. It is far past time to work on my body, my weight, my health. I have 2 gym partners lined up, my wonderful nieces Tam and Kendra. Between the two of them we will be going a minimum of 5 days a week. It has been a long time since I've been to a gym, I have lived quite the sedentary lifestyle of late, so I am going to start slow. I need to start with low impact aerobic activity so I will be doing water aerobics 5 days a week. I will slowly add Zumba classes as I love to dance. As my stamina increases I will add the treadmill and recumbent bike. Of course, I will be doing some strength training with weights. I love weights, oh my I can go overboard so fast with the weight lifting. I will have to monitor that so I do not bulk up, but rather tone my body. This will be for me, my hour or so a day to take care of myself. I am excited to start this new journey and part of my life, become a healthier Monica.
I also have so many plans for my house. I've already gone and picked out paint colors, so when it warms up a bit, the painting shall commence. I shall start upstairs in the Master bedroom, the bathroom, and the guest room. Then I will move down to the living room and dining room, maybe the kitchen. Then I will move on to the family room, bathroom and my office. The kitchen has a lot of work to be done so that may come last. I've been wanting to spruce up the house since we moved in here, now the time I has come to stop procrastinating and get it done.
I also have plans to work on the backyard this year, come hell or high water, that ugly backyard will look better!
Yes, it is a lot to get done, I am putting so much on my plate, however it is all for the good. I will feel better, healthier, happier all around. It will be a continuing journey, a new lifestyle change, and I am ready for the challenge.
I started with a haircut, off with the old and on with the new. I haven't had my hair this short in 7 years and I absolutely love it! It's fun and frisky. That is the first change. Tomorrow I am going to join Gold's Gym. It is far past time to work on my body, my weight, my health. I have 2 gym partners lined up, my wonderful nieces Tam and Kendra. Between the two of them we will be going a minimum of 5 days a week. It has been a long time since I've been to a gym, I have lived quite the sedentary lifestyle of late, so I am going to start slow. I need to start with low impact aerobic activity so I will be doing water aerobics 5 days a week. I will slowly add Zumba classes as I love to dance. As my stamina increases I will add the treadmill and recumbent bike. Of course, I will be doing some strength training with weights. I love weights, oh my I can go overboard so fast with the weight lifting. I will have to monitor that so I do not bulk up, but rather tone my body. This will be for me, my hour or so a day to take care of myself. I am excited to start this new journey and part of my life, become a healthier Monica.
I also have so many plans for my house. I've already gone and picked out paint colors, so when it warms up a bit, the painting shall commence. I shall start upstairs in the Master bedroom, the bathroom, and the guest room. Then I will move down to the living room and dining room, maybe the kitchen. Then I will move on to the family room, bathroom and my office. The kitchen has a lot of work to be done so that may come last. I've been wanting to spruce up the house since we moved in here, now the time I has come to stop procrastinating and get it done.
I also have plans to work on the backyard this year, come hell or high water, that ugly backyard will look better!
Yes, it is a lot to get done, I am putting so much on my plate, however it is all for the good. I will feel better, healthier, happier all around. It will be a continuing journey, a new lifestyle change, and I am ready for the challenge.
Monday, February 21, 2011
I wish.....
I wish....
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
Monday, February 14, 2011
Affection: I have the emotional need for affection
Affection:
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I've been a slug......
I went and saw my endocrinologist today, Dr. Vance. He is the nicest man, never gives me shit about not losing weight, always gives me a positive comment for maintaining. Today I told him I've been a slug, seriously. I have been a slug. I know what I should be doing for myself, what I should be doing for my health and life, but I have been a slug. Working, then sitting in my recliner, not accomplishing a damn thing, except for playing a shit load of Solitaire. We talked about portion control, he told me I should eat on a small plate, even if I have to go back for seconds, he said it would "trick" the brain into sending out the signal I am full. He talked to me about going back on the Byetta. I told him I would do so. He also told me to keep a food journal, for 7-10 days, to see what I am eating and how much. He said this would help me to realize my habits and learn to control them.
I told him I know what I should be doing, but up to this point I guess I just have not cared enough about myself to take care of Me. I am so tired of being fat, having no energy, not feeling good, sitting around doing nothing. Kendra and Tam joined Gold's Gym. Tam has a hard time getting Kendra to go with her. I talked to Tam and she is in desperate need of a gym partner and asked me to please join and go with her. So, I took the first step....I called Gold's Gym today. I made contact via email a few weeks ago, received a return call from Jody. I never called her back. Today, after seeing my doc and having lunch with my BFF and talking to her, I decided to call Jody back on my way home. Unfortunately Jody was not in today, however I left my name and number and was told she would call me when she is in tomorrow. I am going to do something for me and join the gym. I am going to start going with Tam. I want to do water aerobics which will be low impact on my fat body and stressed joints. As I lose some weight and tone up, I want to start doing Zumba. I will do weights as well. When I was going to the gym before I loved...LOVED....lifting weights.
I am excited by the prospect of taking care of me for a change. I know it will not be easy, taking care of me has taken a backseat for so many years it is going to be a huge shock to my system, however it is time, past time. I am 41 years old, I think I have worked hard enough through the years taking care of others, it will be okay to focus on myself. I deserve doing something strictly for me.
I told him I know what I should be doing, but up to this point I guess I just have not cared enough about myself to take care of Me. I am so tired of being fat, having no energy, not feeling good, sitting around doing nothing. Kendra and Tam joined Gold's Gym. Tam has a hard time getting Kendra to go with her. I talked to Tam and she is in desperate need of a gym partner and asked me to please join and go with her. So, I took the first step....I called Gold's Gym today. I made contact via email a few weeks ago, received a return call from Jody. I never called her back. Today, after seeing my doc and having lunch with my BFF and talking to her, I decided to call Jody back on my way home. Unfortunately Jody was not in today, however I left my name and number and was told she would call me when she is in tomorrow. I am going to do something for me and join the gym. I am going to start going with Tam. I want to do water aerobics which will be low impact on my fat body and stressed joints. As I lose some weight and tone up, I want to start doing Zumba. I will do weights as well. When I was going to the gym before I loved...LOVED....lifting weights.
I am excited by the prospect of taking care of me for a change. I know it will not be easy, taking care of me has taken a backseat for so many years it is going to be a huge shock to my system, however it is time, past time. I am 41 years old, I think I have worked hard enough through the years taking care of others, it will be okay to focus on myself. I deserve doing something strictly for me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I do have balls......
Ok, So I finally got up the gumption to talk to Sara about her cell phone bill. I've been needing to do this for a long time. I have enabled her for far too long in having a cell phone and not paying her portion of the bill. I told her tonight I needed her to start paying her share, or they will need to give up their smart phones and go back to a regular phone with texting and talking only for $10/month each. She has decided to get her own cell plan, since they decided they want I phones now. More power to them, it will take a weight off my shoulders.
I did feel a bit guilty, but talked to Ma and she told me to not feel guilty, I can't be expected to carry her forever.
I did feel a bit guilty, but talked to Ma and she told me to not feel guilty, I can't be expected to carry her forever.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Ohhhh my aching HORMONES
Yesterday was a doozy of a day, let me tell ya. Was supposed to be my day off so my plan was to sleep in for a while, then get up and take my folks to the courthouse to file for their homeowner's excemption on their taxes. Well you know what they say about the best laid plans......First call from work came in at 6:45, Day Surgery, needing an HP. So up I get, take care of that, decide I would go back to bed for a while. Sure....that's gonna happen. Nope here comes another call from The Surgery Center needing an HP I sent the night before. At this point I was awake so decided to stay ip, which turns out was a good plan since I received 2 more phone calls before 8:30. In all, I received 5 phone calls on my day off. The good thing is, since it was my supposed day off, I get to charge a callback for each call, which nets me an hours pay for each call. Not bad money for taking care of 5 phone calls. The last call I received I had to get on a type a preop HP STAT. Though I get paid, I was quite irritated over the calls, I simply wanted a day off, since I work the weekend. So, I started my day irritated....not a good way to start.
In between phone calls I called the courthouse to find out exactly what office we needed to go to, since Pa only knew the courthouse. Talked to the Assessors office, their title company filed the paperwork for them last year, but it was past the deadline for 2010, however took effect Jaunary 1, so we didn't need to do anything further. Called my little mommy to let her know and she was pleased, she didn't feel like going anywhere. We talked for a while like we always do. Ended the call with the I love You's. I never end a call with my ma without saying I love you. My mood had lifted some, little mommy always makes me happy.
Chuck's nights and days are screwed up so he didn't go to bed until 7 yesterday morning, which means he was still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon. We were given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas, so rather than cook, I decided I wanted to go to Red Lobster. Well that plan was shot to hell by Chuck. I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said he didn't care (like always). I suggested we go to Red Lobster since he had mentioned a couple of nights before, after seeing a Red Lobster commcercial, how we should use our gift cards and go there. Ok...so that sent me over the edge and once again I was pissed. Fucker never wants to do shit. So I paced, I stewed, I kept asking him what he wanted to eat. He said he didn't care. Well okay then, since you don't care do you want sloppy joes or hamburger helper. He picked hamburger helper. So fine, I was still pissed stomped around and made dinner, texted Chazzie about how pissy I was. Grrrrr!
After dinner I sat in my chair, got on the computer, listened to music and played games, ignoring the lump in the chair next to me. As the evening progressed my irritation and anger turned to sadness and tears. I showered, crawled in bed, and let the tears come....all the while texting Chazzie. Once I had cried myself out, I thanked her for once again listening to me and helping me through this.
During the course of our texting conversation I discovered this:
1. I may feel like I am going crazy since my surgery and having no hormones, but I am not crazy.
2. I have got to stop allowing people (Chuck) to make me feel worthless. Something I have known for years but being as hormonally and emotionally unstable as I have been, I have a hard time remembering this.
3. I cannot fix his issues, period, end of story.
4. Chazzie tells me I am beautiful. I don't feel beautiful, I feel ugly and unwanted, I know better, but some days I don't believe it.
5. I need to return to my doctor and have him try something other than the Estradiol, before I go completely insane.
6. I need to see a counselor to discuss my issues and get some advice.
7. Though I listened to my mom when she was going through this hormonal mess after her hysterectomy, though she and I were very close, I never fully understood exactly how horrible this hormonal mess is, and though I was sympathetic, I should have been way more than I was.
8. Men just do not, and will not EVER understand what a woman goes through.
I woke up this morning feeling "okay", not fantastic, but I am not feeling the despair I felt yesterday.
In between phone calls I called the courthouse to find out exactly what office we needed to go to, since Pa only knew the courthouse. Talked to the Assessors office, their title company filed the paperwork for them last year, but it was past the deadline for 2010, however took effect Jaunary 1, so we didn't need to do anything further. Called my little mommy to let her know and she was pleased, she didn't feel like going anywhere. We talked for a while like we always do. Ended the call with the I love You's. I never end a call with my ma without saying I love you. My mood had lifted some, little mommy always makes me happy.
Chuck's nights and days are screwed up so he didn't go to bed until 7 yesterday morning, which means he was still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon. We were given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas, so rather than cook, I decided I wanted to go to Red Lobster. Well that plan was shot to hell by Chuck. I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said he didn't care (like always). I suggested we go to Red Lobster since he had mentioned a couple of nights before, after seeing a Red Lobster commcercial, how we should use our gift cards and go there. Ok...so that sent me over the edge and once again I was pissed. Fucker never wants to do shit. So I paced, I stewed, I kept asking him what he wanted to eat. He said he didn't care. Well okay then, since you don't care do you want sloppy joes or hamburger helper. He picked hamburger helper. So fine, I was still pissed stomped around and made dinner, texted Chazzie about how pissy I was. Grrrrr!
After dinner I sat in my chair, got on the computer, listened to music and played games, ignoring the lump in the chair next to me. As the evening progressed my irritation and anger turned to sadness and tears. I showered, crawled in bed, and let the tears come....all the while texting Chazzie. Once I had cried myself out, I thanked her for once again listening to me and helping me through this.
During the course of our texting conversation I discovered this:
1. I may feel like I am going crazy since my surgery and having no hormones, but I am not crazy.
2. I have got to stop allowing people (Chuck) to make me feel worthless. Something I have known for years but being as hormonally and emotionally unstable as I have been, I have a hard time remembering this.
3. I cannot fix his issues, period, end of story.
4. Chazzie tells me I am beautiful. I don't feel beautiful, I feel ugly and unwanted, I know better, but some days I don't believe it.
5. I need to return to my doctor and have him try something other than the Estradiol, before I go completely insane.
6. I need to see a counselor to discuss my issues and get some advice.
7. Though I listened to my mom when she was going through this hormonal mess after her hysterectomy, though she and I were very close, I never fully understood exactly how horrible this hormonal mess is, and though I was sympathetic, I should have been way more than I was.
8. Men just do not, and will not EVER understand what a woman goes through.
I woke up this morning feeling "okay", not fantastic, but I am not feeling the despair I felt yesterday.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Fantastic weekend
Had a great weekend, well I should say I had a great Saturday! Made the drive to Idaho Falls to have some friend time, which I needed something fierce. Between recovering from my surgery, the busy holiday season, and my general lack of interest in anything, I have not had any friend time for months. I have felt in a way dehydrated, not getting enough time with my friends. So, I made plans to travel to Idaho Falls to meet up with Chaz and Rodney for lunch at Carino's. Rodney brought their friend Kathy along with him. What a nice lady Kathy is. She recenty lost her husband, she is obviously devastated as he was her best friend, but she is trying to see the good in things and knows he is still around keeping an eye on her. I really enjoyed meeting her, a sweet and loving woman. I've made a new friend.
After Carino's Kathy headed home to do errands and take care of business. Chaz, Rod and I decided to bum around for a while. We went to PetSmart to see if they had any dogs. Rodney is throwing the idea around of getting a pet as he lives alone. PetSmart only had cats up for adoption, no dogs. From there we wandered over to Petco, then decided to go see a movie so off to the theater we went. The movie we wanted to see wasn't starting for another hour and 45 minutes, so we bought our tickets and headed out to kill time. We ended up at Cocoa Bean, where they make the most amazing cupcakes. Im sure I ate my week's allotment of calories in the one cupcake I had, but it was so good. Rodney had Better That Whatever cupcake, Chaz had German Chocolate, and I had Red Devil. Very tasty. So we left there, went and got something to drink, then headed to Best Buy so Chazzie could check out the TVs. Killed some time there, then we went to CD World. I was looking to get the new Shinedown CD, but no one had it. Then we decided to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I ended up getting a new shower massager there. We then went and saw Little Fockers.....very cute movie, laughed a lot, just the sort of pick me up I needed.
We then congrated at Chazzie's house to play cards. Melanie came over and we played Skipbo, told stores, laughed good and hard, and had a great time. My spirits were definitely lifted! I need to stop letting so much time pass before spending time with my friends again. It was a good "me" day, something I don't do often.
I ate shit on the ice Saturday, not real bad, slipped, landed on my right knee (yep, my bad one) and jarred my back. Sunday not such a good day, woke up stiff and sore. I had taken a muscle relaxer before going to bed at 3 a.m., and incidentally slept until 12:30 ~ LAZY! I got up, asked Chuck to install the new massager for me, I got the response I expected which was no because he was watching an NFC championship football game. Well God forbid you miss 5-10 minutes of a 4 hour game! So I installed it myself, which I knew I was perfectly capable of doing, but tried to get him off his butt for a few minutes. So, instant PISSY mood for me. I get so irritated when he does shit like that. Anyway, I installed my shower massager, took a shower and tried out all the settings. Ooooo is it nice. The strong pulsating stream felt so good on my lower back where it was aching. After my shower I did dishes from the day before which Chuck used and didn't watch. Got further irritated and decided screw this, I am so not cooking for him. I got Rusty and he and I went for a ride. Now my boy loves to ride in the car and bark at dogs and horses as we pass them. Being out with my boy, seeing him be so funny with the dogs and horses, lifted my spirits some. How can you not be happy with someone who loves you unconditionally!
While on our drive, I decided I was hungry and wanted a taco salad from Mama Inez'. However they are closed on Sunday, much to my surprise, so I headed on back home and made them there. So, I did cook for Chuck, in a way, but only because I was cooking for me. He's not a stupid man, he knew I was irritated with him so he kept his mouth shut and gave me my space. Upon returning back home I took a muscle relaxer for my back, so after we ate and I did dishes, I relaxed in my recliner, plugged in my ear phones and listened to some good music and played solitaire on my computer.
Didn't do much the rest of the day/evening. I got a hit hungry around 8:30 so made myself some toast, had some applesauce, took my medications and went to bed.
I am still retaining my good feelings from Saturday and have moved past my irritation with Chuck, I will not let that negativity ruin my week and strip away the happiness from Saturday.
After Carino's Kathy headed home to do errands and take care of business. Chaz, Rod and I decided to bum around for a while. We went to PetSmart to see if they had any dogs. Rodney is throwing the idea around of getting a pet as he lives alone. PetSmart only had cats up for adoption, no dogs. From there we wandered over to Petco, then decided to go see a movie so off to the theater we went. The movie we wanted to see wasn't starting for another hour and 45 minutes, so we bought our tickets and headed out to kill time. We ended up at Cocoa Bean, where they make the most amazing cupcakes. Im sure I ate my week's allotment of calories in the one cupcake I had, but it was so good. Rodney had Better That Whatever cupcake, Chaz had German Chocolate, and I had Red Devil. Very tasty. So we left there, went and got something to drink, then headed to Best Buy so Chazzie could check out the TVs. Killed some time there, then we went to CD World. I was looking to get the new Shinedown CD, but no one had it. Then we decided to head to Bed, Bath and Beyond. I ended up getting a new shower massager there. We then went and saw Little Fockers.....very cute movie, laughed a lot, just the sort of pick me up I needed.
We then congrated at Chazzie's house to play cards. Melanie came over and we played Skipbo, told stores, laughed good and hard, and had a great time. My spirits were definitely lifted! I need to stop letting so much time pass before spending time with my friends again. It was a good "me" day, something I don't do often.
I ate shit on the ice Saturday, not real bad, slipped, landed on my right knee (yep, my bad one) and jarred my back. Sunday not such a good day, woke up stiff and sore. I had taken a muscle relaxer before going to bed at 3 a.m., and incidentally slept until 12:30 ~ LAZY! I got up, asked Chuck to install the new massager for me, I got the response I expected which was no because he was watching an NFC championship football game. Well God forbid you miss 5-10 minutes of a 4 hour game! So I installed it myself, which I knew I was perfectly capable of doing, but tried to get him off his butt for a few minutes. So, instant PISSY mood for me. I get so irritated when he does shit like that. Anyway, I installed my shower massager, took a shower and tried out all the settings. Ooooo is it nice. The strong pulsating stream felt so good on my lower back where it was aching. After my shower I did dishes from the day before which Chuck used and didn't watch. Got further irritated and decided screw this, I am so not cooking for him. I got Rusty and he and I went for a ride. Now my boy loves to ride in the car and bark at dogs and horses as we pass them. Being out with my boy, seeing him be so funny with the dogs and horses, lifted my spirits some. How can you not be happy with someone who loves you unconditionally!
While on our drive, I decided I was hungry and wanted a taco salad from Mama Inez'. However they are closed on Sunday, much to my surprise, so I headed on back home and made them there. So, I did cook for Chuck, in a way, but only because I was cooking for me. He's not a stupid man, he knew I was irritated with him so he kept his mouth shut and gave me my space. Upon returning back home I took a muscle relaxer for my back, so after we ate and I did dishes, I relaxed in my recliner, plugged in my ear phones and listened to some good music and played solitaire on my computer.
Didn't do much the rest of the day/evening. I got a hit hungry around 8:30 so made myself some toast, had some applesauce, took my medications and went to bed.
I am still retaining my good feelings from Saturday and have moved past my irritation with Chuck, I will not let that negativity ruin my week and strip away the happiness from Saturday.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Depression...and then some
It is estimated 19 million American adults suffer from depression.
Depression....yes I suffer from it, I have for years and years. It runs in my family, my mother and father suffer from it, as well as my younger sister. We are all on antidepressants, various kinds. My mother's seems to be the worst, she has tried to take her life more than once as a result. Thank God she seems to be on the right combination of medications and has not felt sucidal for years. That's not to say she doesn't struggle, but God is on her side and she doesn't feel suicidal.
There are many symptoms associated with depression. Mine tends to manifest itself in withdrawing from people, hibernating in a way. sadness, loss of interest in activities I usually enjoy, oversleeping or not sleeping at all, fatigue and lack of energy, anxiety and irritability. It feels as though I have no joy in my life.
Many people do not understand depression, they have a tendency to say "snap out of it", or "suck it up". What they don't understand is you just cannot do that. I only wish it was as easy as "sucking it up" but it isn't. I know I have a good life, a wonderful and supportive family, amazing friends, and that should be enough, but when I am sliding into my depression, I can't find joy, happiness, nothing makes me happy.
I've been struggling the last several months with my depression. I think it is in part due to the hysterectomy I had in November and my hormones being out of whack, stress due to the lack of a job for my partner, bills coming in, the price of everything going up...on and on and on. I could keep naming things I know are contributing to my depression.
This time of year does not help either. Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. The sunny days, like today, I feel better, but the gloomy days...good luck even getting me out of bed. If I didn't have to work I could lay in bed all day.
I've been feeling so blah of late, unhappy with myself, my weight, my lack of interest in anything. I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this rut, but knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it are two entirely different things. I keep saying I am going to join the gym and start doing water aerobics.
I would love to take a Zumba class. I need, yes need, to get out and socialize, even though I just want to hibernate and be alone in my misery.
Ack.....ramblings...simply rambling on here, not even sure I am making any point whatsoever. Crazy...oh yes......kinda crazy.....but the depressed mind doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Depression....yes I suffer from it, I have for years and years. It runs in my family, my mother and father suffer from it, as well as my younger sister. We are all on antidepressants, various kinds. My mother's seems to be the worst, she has tried to take her life more than once as a result. Thank God she seems to be on the right combination of medications and has not felt sucidal for years. That's not to say she doesn't struggle, but God is on her side and she doesn't feel suicidal.
There are many symptoms associated with depression. Mine tends to manifest itself in withdrawing from people, hibernating in a way. sadness, loss of interest in activities I usually enjoy, oversleeping or not sleeping at all, fatigue and lack of energy, anxiety and irritability. It feels as though I have no joy in my life.
Many people do not understand depression, they have a tendency to say "snap out of it", or "suck it up". What they don't understand is you just cannot do that. I only wish it was as easy as "sucking it up" but it isn't. I know I have a good life, a wonderful and supportive family, amazing friends, and that should be enough, but when I am sliding into my depression, I can't find joy, happiness, nothing makes me happy.
I've been struggling the last several months with my depression. I think it is in part due to the hysterectomy I had in November and my hormones being out of whack, stress due to the lack of a job for my partner, bills coming in, the price of everything going up...on and on and on. I could keep naming things I know are contributing to my depression.
This time of year does not help either. Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. The sunny days, like today, I feel better, but the gloomy days...good luck even getting me out of bed. If I didn't have to work I could lay in bed all day.
I've been feeling so blah of late, unhappy with myself, my weight, my lack of interest in anything. I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this rut, but knowing what needs to be done and actually doing it are two entirely different things. I keep saying I am going to join the gym and start doing water aerobics.
I would love to take a Zumba class. I need, yes need, to get out and socialize, even though I just want to hibernate and be alone in my misery.
Ack.....ramblings...simply rambling on here, not even sure I am making any point whatsoever. Crazy...oh yes......kinda crazy.....but the depressed mind doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A New Year, a New Beginning?
Wow a new year, 2011, a time when people make resolutions, most of them not kept, a time to start over, try new things, etc and so on. To me, it's another year, will it be any different from prior years? Hard to say. I know I have things I would like to work on, Lord knows I have so many things I need to work on. The question is, will I get anything done besides live the dream and work my ass off? I am 41 years old, overweight, overworked, tired all the time, and very seldom do anyt hing fun. I would love to join the gym and start by going to water aerobics. My two nieces are members of Gold's Gym and said they would be my workout buddies. I also have a dear friend Janae who goes to the gym religiously and said she would be my workout buddy. So here I have three people who would be my workout buddies, pushing some, someone I am accountable to so I don't do the old "I don't feel like going to the gym today" routine. So why am I sititng here, three days into the New Year and I haven't gone to the gym to check on a membership? Laziness, and finances. Finances being the BIG THING. I am working on a very tight budget, very tight, but I think I could swing the monthly membership fee, would just have to cut something out of the budget I really don't need. My health is very important so getting a gym membership and using it should be of the utmost importance....right?!
My doctor would be so happy if I would get my butt to the gym and lose weight. I know if I started exercising and losing some weight I could go off my high blood pressure medications, as it really isn't that high. What else could I go off of, potentially the metformin for my insulin resistence. I would have increased energy, feel better about myself, and would physically feel so much better. I could finally wear those clothes that are hanging in my closet I haven't been able to wear. Come Summer I would feel more like going outside and working in the yard, taking Rusty for a walk (who needs to lose a few pounds himself).
Ok, I've talked myself into it, I will check on a gym membership....tomorrow....it's just too damn cold to go outside today.
My doctor would be so happy if I would get my butt to the gym and lose weight. I know if I started exercising and losing some weight I could go off my high blood pressure medications, as it really isn't that high. What else could I go off of, potentially the metformin for my insulin resistence. I would have increased energy, feel better about myself, and would physically feel so much better. I could finally wear those clothes that are hanging in my closet I haven't been able to wear. Come Summer I would feel more like going outside and working in the yard, taking Rusty for a walk (who needs to lose a few pounds himself).
Ok, I've talked myself into it, I will check on a gym membership....tomorrow....it's just too damn cold to go outside today.
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