Utterly frustrated

Well, here is it Tuesday night, and boy has it been a week already.  So, going to bitch about Chuck here, and vent my feelings, hopefully get past what irritates me. 

Sunday started out good, I slept in, got up at 10:00, made a nice brunch for Chuck and I, got a load of laundry done, cleaned up the brunch mess, did the dishes.  Sat down to fold a load of laundry and asked Chuck if he would take us (meaning Rusty and I) for a ride.  He said you going for a ride boy?  I said no, I want you to take use for a ride and spend some time together.  He starts YELLING at me, actually yelling.  "I didn't talk when they were talking about the fucking Broncos, but you have to sit there and talk when they are talking about my team (the Dolphins).  Un-fucking-believable!  I just sat there stunned....WTF!  So I guess they were updating sports scores and I happened to talk to him when they were talking about his team.  Christ, it's not like we don't have an effing DVR where he could rewind the show and see what he missed, and I sure as shit didn't do it on purpose, but you would think I had.  I did not understand his reaction.  To actually YELL at me for talking.  Then he yelled "I'm not taking you anywhere". 

Ok so I was instantly pissed, but more hurt than pissed.  I held back the tears that wanted to fall, calmly finished folding the laundry, then I went upstairs, peed, texted my BFF, she said come see me, so I changed clothes, packed a bag for Rusty (there was no way I was leaving him behind), I grabbed my purse and left the house.  I didn't say a word to Chuck, just left.  This was about noon by now.  So I head to Idaho Falls which is 50 miles North of Pocatello to spend time with Chaz. 

Got to Idaho Falls, went to Chazzy's house, we sat outside and talked, I cried, she vented about Chuck (she's not a fan due to the way he treats me).  I then found out my bro and his family were in Idaho Falls school clothes shopping, so we went and met up with them, got to spend time with my fave kids.  After shopping was done Chaz and I decided to go eat.  We called up our friend Rodney and he met us at Texas Roadhouse.  We had a great meal, talked, laughed, really enjoyed our time.  Then we left and went to Rod's house, to help him break in since he had locked himself out.  Luckily he had a small air conditioner in the kitchen window, I lifted that out and Chaz helped boost Rod through the window.  We were all laughing so freaking hard.  This isn't the first time he's done this.  After that we went back to Chazzy's house, I fed Rusty, Rod came over and we played SkipBo. 

I was going to stay at her house and not even bother coming home, but then I remembered I had forgotten to grab my meds and so decided to head home about 9:30 or so.  Here I had been gone all day, he had no clue where I was, as far as he knew I was going for a ride, no text message, no call, nada to find out where I was and if I was coming home.  I got home at 10;30, showered, went to bed.  He came to bed so I got up and came downstairs to sleep in the sunroom.  I've slept there every night since.  I didn't get up the next morning and fix him a lunch to take to work, like I always do.  I didn't do his laundry, he had to do that himself.  I stayed in bed until he left for work, then I got up. 

We haven't talked since, a few polite words here and there.  He is being "nice" and pretending nothing ever happened (like usual), but I'm still hurt and not willing to sweep this under the rug.  He had such an off the wall reaction to my asking to spend some time with him, I don't get it, I am still confused over that.  He has never yelled at me before, not like that anyways.  I am still sleeping in the sunroom.  I am cooking dinner, because his nephew Rich moved in with us on Sunday afternoon (nice welcome for him eh, us fighting). 

I see my therapist tomorrow, I journaled what happened, my feelings and reaction to it and will discuss it with her tomorrow.  I don't know what to do, I am confused.  I am not happy with the current situation and I don't know that I want to spend the rest of my life living with someone who treats me like this, withholds all affection, won't marry me, treats me like I'm a glorified maid (the glorified part being I get to sleep in the same bed with him). 

I met a guy at the gym, he and I have become friends, but he has let me know he finds me very attractive and would like to date me if I decide to leave Chuck.  He is a social worker, I have told him some of what goes on.  He told me I need to ask Chuck about counseling and if he won't do that, then I need to decide if I am leaving or staying.  He said either way, he will be my friend, but if I leave Chuck he will be all over me. 

What a damn mess.  I know I deserve more, I deserve to have someone who loves me as much as I love them, and is willing to show it. Hell, I can't get Chuck to give me a kiss, hold my hand, touch me in any way shape or form, except to push me away if I try to touch him.  I am so very tired of the pain.  Most days I just want to run away and never look back.