Today I started seeing a therapist. It's been a long time coming, I've been putting it off forever, but I finally had to admit last week I just can't handle shit any longer and need some help. I am overwhelmed and unhappy.
There is so much going on in my life, it's crazy. In May my mom tried to kill herself. She took an overdose of Xanax, she damn near died on me. She spent 6 days in the hospital, 2-1/2 in the ICU, and the next 4 days on the Behavioral Health Unit. She is now seeing a therapist weekly, on a new antidepressant, and is doing much better. Two days before that my dad said he tried to kill himself by shooting himself in the head. So he is now in the VA system, and seeing a psychiatrist who diagnosed him as bipolar depressive. He is on a new medication and seeing a therapist weekly.
My life revolves around shuffling my parents to and from doctor appointments, counseling appointments, taking care of them as much as I can. My sister is living here and she just adds to the stress. She moved into a mobile home park in June. The landlord gave her a list of things that needed to be done to the property. She and her husband never got them done, so two weeks ago she received a letter from a lawyer with a list of things that needed to be done by the end of August or they were going to be evicted. So I ended up spending last weekend at her place, with my parents, doing all the things on the list so they don't end up getting evicted. I spent hours, upon hours, putting the skirting on her house. It really pissed me off that here my 65 year old parents were over there doing shit she and her husband should have been working on all along. Chuck got pissed at me for going over and helping; not for helping my parents, but for helping Sara. I told him I had to look it as helping my parents, because I couldn't have them over there doing all that work by themselves. He said he understood I was helping my parents, but it pisses him off that she treats me like shit, says horrible things to me, and then turns around and expects me to help her, and I go and help her. So it was a lovely 3 or 4 days with him being pissed off at me.
Everything just snowballed to the point I can't handle it all on my own, so I am seeking therapy. I went for my first appointment today. I really like the lady, I think she is going to be able to help me. She gave me some homework to do, I have to start journaling, go back into my childhood and start writing down memories, journaling everything I remember. I also have to read some codependency books. I also have to ask Chuck for help around the house. I am starting a part-time job (in addition to my full-time) job on September 1 and I simply will not have the time to take care of everything like I always have. So, I need to have a talk with him and ask for help. Working 60+ hours a week is going to be hell, running my parents all over the place, no time for me. The therapist is going to help me see that I need to take care of me first. It's not going to be easy, I have been a caretaker of everyone else for so long, I have no idea how to take care of me and put myself first.
It is going to be an interesting journey.
Good for you going to see a therapist! I know that when I started going it really helped. It still does help because you can only unload so much on your friends but a therapist is there to hear all the dirty ugly things that go on in our heads at time.
ReplyDeleteIm sorry to hear about your parents I thought, im assuming like you, that the move had been good for them. I wish you all well because lord knows the road to balance is a rocky one.
love ya!
You know, I have often wondered how this was all going to work in your world hun. I know for a fact you can almost never say no to anyone. And I know when we spoke after your mom's incident that you sounded very worried. I am so sorry that I didn't check back in. I could tell by reading that there were differences. I am so sorry to hear about your dad, I didn't realize that he had done that as well.
ReplyDeleteSadly, I can almost agree with Chuck, Sara has been a long cause of hurt feelings for you. She has and I am sorry to say that so bluntly. I can remember more than a few times she has been a hurtful source for you. I can see where he feels she and her husband should be left to their own. They are both more than capable. BUTTTTTTTTT with all that said, I know your doing it so that your parents don't have to. Sadly, Sara just needs to grow up and take care of her ownself.
Make no mistake, I am happy that your seeing someone. With my last med change, I realized that there are just some times in life that we can't carry all the shit by ourselves. Personally, I haven't sought out help yet past the meds. But hey, you know what I am on and for right now a ZOMBIE state suits me.. Huge Hugs hun, and please pleaseeeeeeeeeeee listen to the therapist when she tells you that your main priority is YOU!!!!!!!