Been a while since I blogged, so it's about time I got on here and shared what's been happening.
Three weeks ago I finally got off my rather big behind and joined Gold's Gym. What a good decision that was on my part. I've been overweight for far too long. I refuse to label myself with the term obese, though the doc would. I am finally taking control of my life and doing something for ME, that is good for ME, and will benefit ME. Yes, it's all about ME. I have found I LOVE going to the gym. I look forward to it every day, look forward to seeing how many miles I get pedal my ass on the bike, how many reps I can do with the weights, how far I can walk on the treadmill. I have a great gym partner, Tam. Kendra is really kind of hit and miss with working out, but Tam goes most every day with me. I like to get to the gym 30-45 minutes before them so I can get a good 30 minutes of fat burning program biking in before they get there. Then I do the round of weights, then jump back on the bike or treadmill for the cardio program.
I haven't weighed to see if I've lost, I actually won't weight until I see my doc again in June. I feel a difference already in the fit of my clothes, and that makes me happy. Also my mom told me my face is looking thinner, so that's a big plus. I woud like to get back to having only one chin, not multiple...LOL. I am feeling stronger and better day by day, my endurance is increasing, and I am sleeping so much better at night. I am eating healthier as well, I even wanted some fish last night, though I am not a big fish eater. I got some protein powder to make shakes, it is carmel latte flavored, tastes like a nice chilled coffee, which I like. I drink a shake in the morning for breakfast, and drink another shake after I workout. I don't want to bulk up, but the protein is good for lean muscle mass.
My ultimate goal is to get off some of the medication I take. I hope to be able to stop taking blood pressure meds, and the metformin for the insulin resistance. I've already stopped taking the sleeping pill since I am sleeping so good at night. I would eventually like to wean myself off the estrogen pill I've been taking since my hysterectomy. I'm not out to impress anyone with my lifestyle change and the good things that will come with it, such as the weight loss, I am doing this all for ME.
I have a great support system, outside the home. Though Chuck has only made one negative comment about the money spent for the gym membership, he hasn't said anything else, a little positive support from him would be nice. However I won't hold my breath for that, he just isn't built that way, to pay compliments, he's retarded that way.
I know I can do this, and will do this. I want to be able to surprise my doctor in June with weight loss. My initial goal was 20 lb, but I really think I can do 30. I will be happy, however, with whatever I lose. In the end, what matters is I am making positive healthy changes in my life.....and that's the best thing of all.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
It's All About Me!
I have been doing some soul searching and I have finally decided it is time for life to be all about me! I am going to make some changes in my life, focus on myself, my needs, my wants and my desires. That isn't to mean I will be selfish and not think of those I love, I will still do for them, but not to the detriment of myself.
I started with a haircut, off with the old and on with the new. I haven't had my hair this short in 7 years and I absolutely love it! It's fun and frisky. That is the first change. Tomorrow I am going to join Gold's Gym. It is far past time to work on my body, my weight, my health. I have 2 gym partners lined up, my wonderful nieces Tam and Kendra. Between the two of them we will be going a minimum of 5 days a week. It has been a long time since I've been to a gym, I have lived quite the sedentary lifestyle of late, so I am going to start slow. I need to start with low impact aerobic activity so I will be doing water aerobics 5 days a week. I will slowly add Zumba classes as I love to dance. As my stamina increases I will add the treadmill and recumbent bike. Of course, I will be doing some strength training with weights. I love weights, oh my I can go overboard so fast with the weight lifting. I will have to monitor that so I do not bulk up, but rather tone my body. This will be for me, my hour or so a day to take care of myself. I am excited to start this new journey and part of my life, become a healthier Monica.
I also have so many plans for my house. I've already gone and picked out paint colors, so when it warms up a bit, the painting shall commence. I shall start upstairs in the Master bedroom, the bathroom, and the guest room. Then I will move down to the living room and dining room, maybe the kitchen. Then I will move on to the family room, bathroom and my office. The kitchen has a lot of work to be done so that may come last. I've been wanting to spruce up the house since we moved in here, now the time I has come to stop procrastinating and get it done.
I also have plans to work on the backyard this year, come hell or high water, that ugly backyard will look better!
Yes, it is a lot to get done, I am putting so much on my plate, however it is all for the good. I will feel better, healthier, happier all around. It will be a continuing journey, a new lifestyle change, and I am ready for the challenge.
I started with a haircut, off with the old and on with the new. I haven't had my hair this short in 7 years and I absolutely love it! It's fun and frisky. That is the first change. Tomorrow I am going to join Gold's Gym. It is far past time to work on my body, my weight, my health. I have 2 gym partners lined up, my wonderful nieces Tam and Kendra. Between the two of them we will be going a minimum of 5 days a week. It has been a long time since I've been to a gym, I have lived quite the sedentary lifestyle of late, so I am going to start slow. I need to start with low impact aerobic activity so I will be doing water aerobics 5 days a week. I will slowly add Zumba classes as I love to dance. As my stamina increases I will add the treadmill and recumbent bike. Of course, I will be doing some strength training with weights. I love weights, oh my I can go overboard so fast with the weight lifting. I will have to monitor that so I do not bulk up, but rather tone my body. This will be for me, my hour or so a day to take care of myself. I am excited to start this new journey and part of my life, become a healthier Monica.
I also have so many plans for my house. I've already gone and picked out paint colors, so when it warms up a bit, the painting shall commence. I shall start upstairs in the Master bedroom, the bathroom, and the guest room. Then I will move down to the living room and dining room, maybe the kitchen. Then I will move on to the family room, bathroom and my office. The kitchen has a lot of work to be done so that may come last. I've been wanting to spruce up the house since we moved in here, now the time I has come to stop procrastinating and get it done.
I also have plans to work on the backyard this year, come hell or high water, that ugly backyard will look better!
Yes, it is a lot to get done, I am putting so much on my plate, however it is all for the good. I will feel better, healthier, happier all around. It will be a continuing journey, a new lifestyle change, and I am ready for the challenge.
Monday, February 21, 2011
I wish.....
I wish....
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
I wish it didn't hurt to lay next to you, knowing you won't touch me
I wish I could reach out and touch you without being rejected
I wish I could be happy with what we have
I wish intimacy and affection were not so important to me
I wish you could open your heart to me
I wish you could tell me you love me, freely and without prompting
I wish you could see how attractive you are to me
I wish you could see the good man I know you are
I wish you could feel better about yourself and not have such low self esteem
I wish you could feel the happines and joy that rushes through me when you show me affection
I wish you knew how unattractive I feel inside, knowing you won't touch me
I wish things could be different
I wish you could be the man I first knew 7 years ago
I wish I could sleep next to you and not want to cry
I wish I didn't feel so lonely
I wish you could view me as the attractive and desirable woman you used to view me as
I wish I was valued for mroe than my ability to cook, clean, do laundry, etc.
I wish you could see how very much I love you
I wish you would realize the lack of action on your part is eroding away at our relationship
I wish...........
Monday, February 14, 2011
Affection: I have the emotional need for affection
Affection:
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
Affection is the expression of care. It symbolizes security, protection, comfort and approval -- vital ingredients in any relationship. When one spouse is affectionate toward the other, the following messages are sent:
1. You are important to me. I will care for you and protect you.
2. I'm concerned about the problems you face and will be there for you when you need me.
A simple hug can say those things. And there are many other ways to show our affection: A greeting card or an "I love you" note; a bouquet of flowers; holding hands; walks after dinner; back rubs; phone calls; and conversations with thoughtful and loving expressions. All of these can effectively communicate affection.
Affection is, for many, the essential cement of a relationship. Without it, many feel totally alienated. With it, they become emotionally bonded. If you feel terrific when your spouse is affectionate, and you feel terrible when there is not enough of it, you have the emotional need for affection
I have a very strong need for affection in my relationship. I am, I believe, a rather simple woman with fairly simple needs. I don't except Chuck to spend a bunch of money buying me flowers, and chocolate, and such. A simple I Love You, a hug, text messages, Telling me Happy Valentine's Day, paying me a compliment; those things would make me so happy and feel good. I grew up experiencing affection. Hugs, I Love You's, spending simple time together fishing, camping, talking, playing games. Every time I see my parents I give them a hug hello, and a kiss. When I leave it's a hug and a kiss. I don't end a call with loved one without saying I love you. I can talk to my mom 10 times a day and every call ends with I love you. It is what I am used to, it's what I need.
I need affection to know I am cared for, appreciated and loved. Chuck rarely tells me I love you, and it's alway done with prompting. Take tonight for instance. Today was Valentine's Day...stupid ass day. I did not expect flowers, chocolates, a gift. I wanted to be told Happy Valentine's Day and told I love You. Chuck isn't a showy guy so we decided together no spendy gifts, etc. All I have asked from him is that we have dinner together, and for him to tell me Happy Valentine's Day.
Well I planned out in advance his Valentine's lunch for today. I got a big frosted sugar cookie with heart shaped springles, a big frosting heart in the middle and a plastic ring that said I love you. I packed his lung this morning, put the cookie in there, along with a little note from me saying "Happy Valentine's Day Honey, I love You". Then I decided to grill some steaks for dinner, nothing fancy. I also sent him cute little singing text for Valentine's Day. I get no response on the text. Apparently he can't forward things like that, just the nasty shit he and his friends forward, back to me, or reply with Happy V Day or I love you. Nope, not Chuck Mahoney.
Ok, so the day goes on, all the while I know, and don't expect, to receive a gift. I also knew (in the back of my mind) I wasn't going to get told Happy Valentine's Day, or I Love You. So, he comes home, gets in the shower, I fix dinner and we eat. Then come the Monday Nights comedies...and of course they are all about Valentine's Day....oh fucking great, let's throw that at me. While they were amusing, Chuck finds them hilarious and laughs and laughs. I found them amusing, chuckled a few times.
So I head up to shower and go to bed. While I am in the shower Chuck comes up and crawls in bed. I finish, crawl in bed. He says nothing....So I sat "Oh, thanks for telling me happy valentine's day, I appreciate it". He mumbles "happy valentine's day, i love you, goodnight, whatever". Ah yes, of course, make sure you throw the whatever in there. Whatever is the response I get every night when I say I love you after telling him goodnight. Well fuck me....that just made my day! I laid there for about 10 minutes, tears streaming silently down my cheeks, before I decided fuck it, got up and came downstairs to blog. My mind was going 500000 miles an hour, I was crying, and being a smart chick, I knew I was not going to get to sleep.
I guess, once again, the "old lady" asked for too much, so gets the smartass response. I could look on the bright side and think "well at least I didn't get told no".
I digress...back to affection.
I do love Chuck, I adore him (most of the time, at other times I want to punch him in the head). I know I do not ask much from him. I do all the housework, the laundry, the cooking. I do all the grocery shopping. I do most all care for Rusty. Chuck has it easy. He mows the lawn in the summer, shovels snow in the winter. Every one in a while I get him to fix things around the house that I can't do. Chuck has it very easy. I enjoy taking care of him, for the most part, but there are times I resent the HELL out of it. When I get feeling that way, girlfriend has a tendency to let things go.
What I want, need and desire from Chuck is affection. A hug when I am having a bad day, a kiss, to snuggle for a few minutes in bed. How about a compliment now and then. Yes I would like flowers, but not store bought ones, hell pick a tulip from the yard and bring it to me, some lilacs, and daisy, a freaking dandelion even. And spend time with me, I don't mean the sick in front of the TV all evening kind of spending time together. Let's go for a walk, or a drive, just something to get out of the damn house every now and then.
I explained to Chuck one night about affection and cuddling. He told me he knows (cuz he is the all knowing?) that when he cuddles with me I want sex so he doesn't touch me if he doesn't want to have sex. Well, again, fuck me! Yes, it is true, I get turned on when he touches me, I didn't realize that was such a bad thing, but...BUT.....I am perfectly content to get some cuddling and snuggling and have it not lead to sex.....as long as I am getting some AFFECTION. Oh yes, I enjoy sex, in a big way, but cuddling does not have to lead to sex.
So I guess his solution, is it just take everything away from me, touching, kissing, cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, because I can't be trusted to not want sex from him.
We have gone so long without sex, he hasn't touched me since June 2010. I asked him before my hyserectomy in November to have sex with me..my answer....NO. It's always no with him. I used to ask all the time for sex, always I was told no. If I tried to initiate sex he would push me away, literally push me away and tell me no. I've asked him for sex a few times since my hysterectomy, knowing full well what the response will be, and I was not surprised to be told no. Always no.
I don't ask often, I can't take the rejection and shame which comes with the rejection. The hurt, the crying, the feeling numb and ugly for days afterwards. He wants NOTHING to do with me. He sounds like a broken record...no...no...no...no..no..no...no.
So here I sit tonight, in my recliner, blogging and crying, wrapped up in my misery, knowing it's his issue.....but wondering at the same time....what the hell is so wrong with me, that he can't bring himself to touch me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
I've been a slug......
I went and saw my endocrinologist today, Dr. Vance. He is the nicest man, never gives me shit about not losing weight, always gives me a positive comment for maintaining. Today I told him I've been a slug, seriously. I have been a slug. I know what I should be doing for myself, what I should be doing for my health and life, but I have been a slug. Working, then sitting in my recliner, not accomplishing a damn thing, except for playing a shit load of Solitaire. We talked about portion control, he told me I should eat on a small plate, even if I have to go back for seconds, he said it would "trick" the brain into sending out the signal I am full. He talked to me about going back on the Byetta. I told him I would do so. He also told me to keep a food journal, for 7-10 days, to see what I am eating and how much. He said this would help me to realize my habits and learn to control them.
I told him I know what I should be doing, but up to this point I guess I just have not cared enough about myself to take care of Me. I am so tired of being fat, having no energy, not feeling good, sitting around doing nothing. Kendra and Tam joined Gold's Gym. Tam has a hard time getting Kendra to go with her. I talked to Tam and she is in desperate need of a gym partner and asked me to please join and go with her. So, I took the first step....I called Gold's Gym today. I made contact via email a few weeks ago, received a return call from Jody. I never called her back. Today, after seeing my doc and having lunch with my BFF and talking to her, I decided to call Jody back on my way home. Unfortunately Jody was not in today, however I left my name and number and was told she would call me when she is in tomorrow. I am going to do something for me and join the gym. I am going to start going with Tam. I want to do water aerobics which will be low impact on my fat body and stressed joints. As I lose some weight and tone up, I want to start doing Zumba. I will do weights as well. When I was going to the gym before I loved...LOVED....lifting weights.
I am excited by the prospect of taking care of me for a change. I know it will not be easy, taking care of me has taken a backseat for so many years it is going to be a huge shock to my system, however it is time, past time. I am 41 years old, I think I have worked hard enough through the years taking care of others, it will be okay to focus on myself. I deserve doing something strictly for me.
I told him I know what I should be doing, but up to this point I guess I just have not cared enough about myself to take care of Me. I am so tired of being fat, having no energy, not feeling good, sitting around doing nothing. Kendra and Tam joined Gold's Gym. Tam has a hard time getting Kendra to go with her. I talked to Tam and she is in desperate need of a gym partner and asked me to please join and go with her. So, I took the first step....I called Gold's Gym today. I made contact via email a few weeks ago, received a return call from Jody. I never called her back. Today, after seeing my doc and having lunch with my BFF and talking to her, I decided to call Jody back on my way home. Unfortunately Jody was not in today, however I left my name and number and was told she would call me when she is in tomorrow. I am going to do something for me and join the gym. I am going to start going with Tam. I want to do water aerobics which will be low impact on my fat body and stressed joints. As I lose some weight and tone up, I want to start doing Zumba. I will do weights as well. When I was going to the gym before I loved...LOVED....lifting weights.
I am excited by the prospect of taking care of me for a change. I know it will not be easy, taking care of me has taken a backseat for so many years it is going to be a huge shock to my system, however it is time, past time. I am 41 years old, I think I have worked hard enough through the years taking care of others, it will be okay to focus on myself. I deserve doing something strictly for me.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I do have balls......
Ok, So I finally got up the gumption to talk to Sara about her cell phone bill. I've been needing to do this for a long time. I have enabled her for far too long in having a cell phone and not paying her portion of the bill. I told her tonight I needed her to start paying her share, or they will need to give up their smart phones and go back to a regular phone with texting and talking only for $10/month each. She has decided to get her own cell plan, since they decided they want I phones now. More power to them, it will take a weight off my shoulders.
I did feel a bit guilty, but talked to Ma and she told me to not feel guilty, I can't be expected to carry her forever.
I did feel a bit guilty, but talked to Ma and she told me to not feel guilty, I can't be expected to carry her forever.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Ohhhh my aching HORMONES
Yesterday was a doozy of a day, let me tell ya. Was supposed to be my day off so my plan was to sleep in for a while, then get up and take my folks to the courthouse to file for their homeowner's excemption on their taxes. Well you know what they say about the best laid plans......First call from work came in at 6:45, Day Surgery, needing an HP. So up I get, take care of that, decide I would go back to bed for a while. Sure....that's gonna happen. Nope here comes another call from The Surgery Center needing an HP I sent the night before. At this point I was awake so decided to stay ip, which turns out was a good plan since I received 2 more phone calls before 8:30. In all, I received 5 phone calls on my day off. The good thing is, since it was my supposed day off, I get to charge a callback for each call, which nets me an hours pay for each call. Not bad money for taking care of 5 phone calls. The last call I received I had to get on a type a preop HP STAT. Though I get paid, I was quite irritated over the calls, I simply wanted a day off, since I work the weekend. So, I started my day irritated....not a good way to start.
In between phone calls I called the courthouse to find out exactly what office we needed to go to, since Pa only knew the courthouse. Talked to the Assessors office, their title company filed the paperwork for them last year, but it was past the deadline for 2010, however took effect Jaunary 1, so we didn't need to do anything further. Called my little mommy to let her know and she was pleased, she didn't feel like going anywhere. We talked for a while like we always do. Ended the call with the I love You's. I never end a call with my ma without saying I love you. My mood had lifted some, little mommy always makes me happy.
Chuck's nights and days are screwed up so he didn't go to bed until 7 yesterday morning, which means he was still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon. We were given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas, so rather than cook, I decided I wanted to go to Red Lobster. Well that plan was shot to hell by Chuck. I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said he didn't care (like always). I suggested we go to Red Lobster since he had mentioned a couple of nights before, after seeing a Red Lobster commcercial, how we should use our gift cards and go there. Ok...so that sent me over the edge and once again I was pissed. Fucker never wants to do shit. So I paced, I stewed, I kept asking him what he wanted to eat. He said he didn't care. Well okay then, since you don't care do you want sloppy joes or hamburger helper. He picked hamburger helper. So fine, I was still pissed stomped around and made dinner, texted Chazzie about how pissy I was. Grrrrr!
After dinner I sat in my chair, got on the computer, listened to music and played games, ignoring the lump in the chair next to me. As the evening progressed my irritation and anger turned to sadness and tears. I showered, crawled in bed, and let the tears come....all the while texting Chazzie. Once I had cried myself out, I thanked her for once again listening to me and helping me through this.
During the course of our texting conversation I discovered this:
1. I may feel like I am going crazy since my surgery and having no hormones, but I am not crazy.
2. I have got to stop allowing people (Chuck) to make me feel worthless. Something I have known for years but being as hormonally and emotionally unstable as I have been, I have a hard time remembering this.
3. I cannot fix his issues, period, end of story.
4. Chazzie tells me I am beautiful. I don't feel beautiful, I feel ugly and unwanted, I know better, but some days I don't believe it.
5. I need to return to my doctor and have him try something other than the Estradiol, before I go completely insane.
6. I need to see a counselor to discuss my issues and get some advice.
7. Though I listened to my mom when she was going through this hormonal mess after her hysterectomy, though she and I were very close, I never fully understood exactly how horrible this hormonal mess is, and though I was sympathetic, I should have been way more than I was.
8. Men just do not, and will not EVER understand what a woman goes through.
I woke up this morning feeling "okay", not fantastic, but I am not feeling the despair I felt yesterday.
In between phone calls I called the courthouse to find out exactly what office we needed to go to, since Pa only knew the courthouse. Talked to the Assessors office, their title company filed the paperwork for them last year, but it was past the deadline for 2010, however took effect Jaunary 1, so we didn't need to do anything further. Called my little mommy to let her know and she was pleased, she didn't feel like going anywhere. We talked for a while like we always do. Ended the call with the I love You's. I never end a call with my ma without saying I love you. My mood had lifted some, little mommy always makes me happy.
Chuck's nights and days are screwed up so he didn't go to bed until 7 yesterday morning, which means he was still sleeping at 1:30 in the afternoon. We were given a $50 gift card to Red Lobster for Christmas, so rather than cook, I decided I wanted to go to Red Lobster. Well that plan was shot to hell by Chuck. I asked him what he wanted to eat, he said he didn't care (like always). I suggested we go to Red Lobster since he had mentioned a couple of nights before, after seeing a Red Lobster commcercial, how we should use our gift cards and go there. Ok...so that sent me over the edge and once again I was pissed. Fucker never wants to do shit. So I paced, I stewed, I kept asking him what he wanted to eat. He said he didn't care. Well okay then, since you don't care do you want sloppy joes or hamburger helper. He picked hamburger helper. So fine, I was still pissed stomped around and made dinner, texted Chazzie about how pissy I was. Grrrrr!
After dinner I sat in my chair, got on the computer, listened to music and played games, ignoring the lump in the chair next to me. As the evening progressed my irritation and anger turned to sadness and tears. I showered, crawled in bed, and let the tears come....all the while texting Chazzie. Once I had cried myself out, I thanked her for once again listening to me and helping me through this.
During the course of our texting conversation I discovered this:
1. I may feel like I am going crazy since my surgery and having no hormones, but I am not crazy.
2. I have got to stop allowing people (Chuck) to make me feel worthless. Something I have known for years but being as hormonally and emotionally unstable as I have been, I have a hard time remembering this.
3. I cannot fix his issues, period, end of story.
4. Chazzie tells me I am beautiful. I don't feel beautiful, I feel ugly and unwanted, I know better, but some days I don't believe it.
5. I need to return to my doctor and have him try something other than the Estradiol, before I go completely insane.
6. I need to see a counselor to discuss my issues and get some advice.
7. Though I listened to my mom when she was going through this hormonal mess after her hysterectomy, though she and I were very close, I never fully understood exactly how horrible this hormonal mess is, and though I was sympathetic, I should have been way more than I was.
8. Men just do not, and will not EVER understand what a woman goes through.
I woke up this morning feeling "okay", not fantastic, but I am not feeling the despair I felt yesterday.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)